I Married Myself - an analogy as an asexual person

 Hey everyone it is Jack/Noodle here once again, in recent days I’ve been not as busy but in two weeks time I’ll be in Scotland doing my favourite things; exploring and doodling and being with my other sparks fan, my dog Esme. Todays episode is an analysis of a song from the Lil Beethoven record which I relate very heavily to as a queer individual and I thought I’d put my brains thoughts on this song into words at long last. Today we are discussing the song “I Married Myself” and what is interesting about this album is that it is 2 days younger than me, so on the release date I was a tiny baby barely aware of anything but my dad was out every night celebrating my birth. But I thought since I’m currently really enjoying the Lil Beethoven album (this is me asking people to buy me the album physically) I thought now would be the perfect time to share my analysis. 

Ron by himself

Before I get into my analysis I thought I’d explain what asexual means. Asexual is where one feels no to little sexual attraction to people, some may not feel romantic attraction either or have romantic attraction to others. I’m biromantic which is where I feel romantic attraction for 2 genders. Asexual people aren’t devoid of emotions and aren’t lazy, we just feel things differently and some of us are asexual because of trauma or because we just don’t like the idea of sex. A lot of my family know me as “queer” as asexuality is still a new word to describe one’s self and it’s complicated to constantly have to explain myself to people. To others I say I’m bisexual because I am bi just not into the sex part. Anyways, let’s get into said analysis. 

Upon first listen to this song, I hear the sad tones of this song, almost as if the character in this song is sad they’ve spent so much time alone waiting for the one, almost as if they want us to understand how them waiting has taken up most of their thoughts and life. As a queer person this sad, lonely and isolating feeling is very relatable as I’ve waited for the one for 5 years, people have came and gone and I always seem to get the wrong type of person; this makes the loneliness hit harder as you get desperate and worry you’re unlovable. When I hear this song I see a lot of grey tones, but they darken and lighten in numerous places. 

The line “long long walks on the beach” hits me deep because I live near a beach and often find myself on the beach having a walk, usually I’m found trying to find shells, pottery and sea glass and this makes my beach walks long. I sometimes sit by rock pools and doodle as I enjoy the solitude and often I find crabs or seagulls and they make me feel less isolated. Sometimes walking along my beach creates ideas for me to draw, from a sci-fi idea I created over years of doing my walks to drawing from life itself. My beach has a few cafes along it, I feel the character in this song likes his walks along the beach because there’s a cafe, I believe this because the song brightens up in areas, almost like a positive to being alone and embracing his solo life. Having a cafe anywhere is like a magnet for me, I love having a sweet treat or coffee wherever I am and I believe that the character does to. 

(My long long walks on the beach being with frogs and other creatures)

Another line I pull is “candlelight dinners home” which I believe is the character saying how nice it is to enjoy their own food at home. I believe he’s happy that after a long busy day of doing work or chores, he can sit at home on his own either watching a program or reading a book or admiring his own nest and eat something he loves. As I had to grow up way too fast, eating on my own is something I’m used to as I often put the TV on with a nostalgic movie or show whilst I eat. I love coming home after a long day of socialising or being on my own solo adventures to find my family are busy still and I can make or order my own food. Currently, I’ve been really enjoying eating pasta and watching Edgar Wright movies. When I have the house to myself and get to eat what I want I usually get found with pasta as it is safe and comforting and easy to make. I believe the character of this song understands this and has similar stories and foods. A quote I saw recently from a friend that Ron said was “I am uncomfortable with and without food” which suggests he himself is the character in this song because he seems to prefer eating away from fans and public eye as he is self conscious about what people see or think when he eats. Growing up, I was constantly shamed and judged for what I ate even as a child, mostly by my nana who has issues with everything, she still shames me whenever I eat more than one biscuit and never shames my sibling. Growing up I was often seeing a distorted view of my body both because I’m trans and because of the shame I felt eating what I loved. So the line about eating alone and calling it a “lovely time” hits deep as I find when I eat alone the world feels quieter and I feel less embarrassed I just made a big tin of mac and cheese just for me. 

(My candlelight dinners, yes I choose pasta every time. The first one was from my food in London) 

Adding on to the tone of this song, I often feel like the sad melody feels like rain and the upbeat sections are the character dancing in their comfort place, at home, which can make one think of the movie “Singin' in the Rain” which feels like this song as he’s happy it’s raining and dancing with the one he loves. The tone also makes one think the character used to beat themselves up over how they were alone when everyone around them had relationships or were getting married; but now the character is starting to feel happy and comfortable in their single life and doesn’t feel fazed by every relationship around them. I have recently been around people who have found happy relationships or are happy crushing on someone and sometimes it hurts as a neurodivergent person who doesn’t understand social cues or know how to understand people’s feelings; my friend said I’m very easy to lead on because I give people too many chances and often get crushed physically and mentally by the harsh reality or if they do something really bad to me. I believe this character is finally seeing the perks and pros to being single and living alone, as he used to hate and not see the joy in life because he didn’t have everything everyone else had. 

(Me enjoying “lovely times” aka my own company, this picture was taken awhile back) 

As I have written a lot today I feel I will end the analysis here. To sum everything up, I believe the character is a person who recently found joy in being single and believes in the perks of long walks and eating at home. This character could be relating to Ron himself after all, the man as far as knowledge goes has never married and has never openly discussed his own relationships. 

And this is where I end this episode. Thank you ever so much for reading. I love writing these blog posts as I get to express what I can’t in my art. Plus I know people in my life get sick of hearing me speak about my love for this band. I am always planning or trying to think about the next episodes. Please feel free to message or comment on my Facebook or below your feedback as I love hearing from you all. Until then, I have been Jack and you’ve been a very amazing reader.