Sparks: the healing from a shutdown/meltdown

 Hey everyone, it’s Jack here with another installation of my blog. I blinked last month and suddenly it’s a day after my first day of final year of university. Before I start this I believe I need to write a beautiful blog about something the neurotypical world doesn’t fully understand and that is meltdowns and shutdowns. I also use Sparks to prevent these but also healing from them, so today I’ll cover and define these terms and also discuss how this amazing band help in these situations. 

What I’ve being doing, on holiday taking photos of anything pretty 

To begin, I will define what a meltdown is and what a shutdown is to help my fellow allistic readers aware of their differences and signs to look out for.

 A meltdown is an extreme reaction to the overwhelming stimulation around them, it could be because you’re in a busy supermarket and you’re being overloaded by smells, noises, textures and tastes all at once or because your routine changed last minute so you ended up on a busy train or bus home. Meltdowns also see a loss in control of a persons behaviour, often it’s a person shouting, screaming or crying or sometimes kicking or biting, sometimes it’s both. When someone is having a meltdown the best advice is calmly ask simple questions they can answer “yes” or “no” to reduce the overwhelm and make some space or take them somewhere quiet and not overwhelming. Sometimes a meltdown could be brewing and this can look like a person pacing or stimming more outwardly or needing reassurance. Sometimes, it’s hard to notice what triggered a meltdown as it can happen for numerous reasons but often it can be lessened by having sensory equipment and maybe music. My favourite things to use when I feel like something might trigger me is to carry a stuffed animal or some food because when I’m overwhelmed I want to bite something or punch something. Also one massive thing that I know many autistic people hate (me especially) is change especially in our routines, I like to know a week before changes happen so I can prepare, know what transport I need, what foods will I eat that day etc. I always reward myself if I have handled these changes well, as currently I’m in my final year of university and I’ve had my schedule changed to fit accordingly and I’m so far managing it (I survived day one) so I’ll be rewarding myself soon to keep my anxiety low. 

Now time to define Shutdowns, these are different from a meltdown in a variety of ways. I have personally had more shutdowns than meltdowns due to me being what people call “high masking” as unfortunately my autism will be diagnosed when I’m 25/26 which is sadly the most common story for assigned females who are autistic. Shutdowns often a person closing off from the world, you might find the person goes completely silent and unable to communicate, they may also withdraw into a quiet and dark space and not move because they’re thinking way too much about why they’ve ended up like this. Often it takes us a while to recover and get back to our usual selves, sometimes it takes a few hours, sometimes a few days; a way to deal with these is shutting everything out and attending to sensory needs and writing what you need to say down. An example of a shutdown for me was when in first year the class bullies got louder and louder, my only response was to curl up into myself so I didn’t feel the harsh lights and block them out with music through my headphones, I also found I couldn’t play numerous tracks, I could only play one because my brain was stuck in a loop trying to fix and mask off the overwhelming feeling I had. Often my friends say they can tell when I’m having a shutdown or about to go into one as I fidget more, I zone out more and say “I don’t know” or “sorry” more frequently. My best friend remembers when we went to an art meet up and it was busier than planned so I had to hide in a toilet because the rising anxiety and overwhelm physically hurt and I couldn’t decide what to say or do in that moment as I was still trying to process all the noise and crowds. 

Me with some of my  noise cancelling headphones 

Next time to talk about why sparks are “healing” for both things. I suggest you also tell me if you deal with these issues, what sparks song or album helps you as I’d love to do more deep dives into songs later on because apparently everyone enjoys them.

 So my first album is, Number One Song in Heaven (1979). I chose this because music during and post episodes of shutdown often need layers so I can focus on something other than the bright lights or crowds and this album has 6 songs of layers. I often find it allows me to close my eyes or visualise bright lights, unfortunately the only “sensory” lights i own are a cat lamp I got from ikea once because I can’t stand being in complete darkness. This album also has songs that feel like oceans of sound that drown you as the colourful patterns and waves are all around. My favourite song is possibly “La Dolce Vita” or “My Other Voice”, I says “My Other Voice” because Russell sings about how his voice wraps around you and also feels like a metaphor for when I go nonverbal I have another voice, as in my writing or communication cards which often wrap around me and hold me prisoner when I can’t physically speak.

My second album is, Angst in My Pants (1982). This one is a bit of a direct one and it’s because angst means anxiety. I also find the song “I predict” almost nodding to how autistic people seem to know when something is about to happen because of our very strong pattern recognition and noticing of small details. In my own diagnostic journey I noticed how possible it is that my mum was also autistic as we would spend lunch times watching detective shows and she’d work out the killer with in 10-15 minutes. Another song from angst that is useful is “Moustache” because Ron wrote passionately about the different type of moustaches in the world, this heals me from meltdowns and shutdowns because it distracts me from thinking about the triggers or my urges to punch a wall or table because it was so busy. 

Me getting ready for the next section

Time for the song choices, these are random and quick fire. One day I’ll deep dive into these songs to express further what these songs feel like and could be a reference to, but for today I’m lightly touching on them for my fellow friends if they are looking for sparks songs to calm themselves down from meltdowns or needing something to help them through shutdowns. 

1. This Town Ain't Big Enough - during a shutdown I listened to this song 5 times over and over because I wanted to stop hearing the loud mean girl and I couldn’t focus on my work. It was also that day I learnt she was talking about me in a mean way, I also hated the bright lights when I went non verbal that day as it was overwhelming. But this song feels like I entered a battle against my shutdown and said “hey this town ain’t big enough for both of us” because I wanted to be able to do my work and be social with my friends 

2. Piss Off (from the FFS project) - Sometimes I want to be able to say this verbally to people when I feel overwhelmed by everything in the room or place. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by something I feel like ramming myself into a wall I say that to myself because I find it too rude to say to others. When I first heard it the song hit me deep because of the line “tell everyone to piss off” was so funny but honest because I’ve had days where I’m too nice to everyone because I’m masking and I’m starting to feel exhausted which often leads to me being more harsh and honest to people and that line feels like an inner demon. 

3. Everybody's Stupid - Someone said this song sounded like “anti-sparks” and it’s what I refer to it as because when you’re overwhelmed or overstimulated or understimulated you tend to feel everyone is stupid because neurotypicals don’t understand how to help fully and look down on you because you’re  crying and screaming because you didn't understand something and you feel you'll never be able to get it. Another thing about this song is how it makes me feel better as it’s telling the listener “yea we know everybody’s stupid” and it calms me down a bit.

4. Music You Can Dance To - I love coming home from a long day to find the house completely empty and I shout at my dads Alexa to play this song or I find it on YouTube and I can release my anxiety and overwhelm in a dance. I tell my dad how this song is very danceable despite it being made in outrage at a person who wanted “music you can dance to”. I often wonder how that person is doing knowing sparks followed his instructions literally. Another thing I love about this song is the layers, there are so many patterns and colours and it feels like I’ve walked into an 80s disco. When I’m nonverbal, I find I need to stim more because of the anxiety and music helps in that because it releases my big feelings. 

5. Onomatopoeia - A fellow fan ages ago made a sparks iceberg YouTube video (if you read this, hello I love it so much please can we collaborate one day) and I remember hearing them say this song from A Steady Drip Drip is about teaching a nonverbal/non speaking child how to talk using simple phrases. I feel it’s similar to trying to communicate to people during or post meltdown because we don’t do complex conversations as we’re exhausted or overwhelmed and just want a quiet space to take a few minutes to ourselves. 

(Russell is me during my shutdowns, so tired and overstimulated I can’t stand up or do anything) 

Thank you so much for reading! I am hoping to do more deep dives into songs and albums into the future but I will be continuing my usual saga of posts as well. It’s been an honour to share my writings and art with everyone. Hopefully on Thursday a Big Surprise will be online, I won’t give too much away but I will say I collaborated with another popular writer and podcaster in the community who does wonders for this community. 

Thanks again, I am Jack or Noodle, you’re a reader who will be able to discuss freely about this. I’d love to hear what you all enjoyed and if you have other songs you listen to when you’re post meltdown or during a shutdown.