The Existential Threat - Growing Up and Living with Anxiety (A Sparks Deep Dive)

 Hey everyone, it is nearly Valentine’s Day…unfortunately since my last posting here I broke up with my boyfriend but that doesn’t make me sad or feel worthless as I’m reminding myself and others that I am my own person. Before we go running into todays Deep Dive, I am Jack/Noodle and I hope you get something to drink/eat before reading because I’m currently trying to remind myself to eat the right amount of foods because according to my therapist I am not doing that well. So without much delay I want to explain today’s deep dive. So today I am discussing the song “Existential Threat” from A Steady Drip Drip because I grew up and still live with the anxiety. To visualise, I have generalised anxiety which has snuggled and moulded into my autism, so unfortunately my therapist can not tell what part is what. But I grew up being told most traits of my autism were “just anxiety” and “you will grow out of them”, sadly I do not grow out of them. This post will both be a deep dive and a very personal journey, one I’ve rarely shared to people outside my cluster of trusted humans. I am also making this cooperation with memories my mum told me about when she was alive. My mum would’ve loved reading this blog and realising I was discovering who I am and where I stand in this world, so let’s say thank you to her for always believing in me and knowing I’d try everything even when I’m awful at it. But yes, I must say on with the deep dive.

Riding the train of anxiety this episode.

So firstly, what is anxiety? Anxiety can vary for most and there’s many forms or manifestations of anxiety. There is GAD (or Generalised Anxiety Disorder) which often sees people finding it hard to sleep, hard to focus, feeling tense, stomach issues, feeling dizzy/lightheaded, heart palpitations and depression. There is SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) which is an anxiety around public speaking, meeting new people, talking in class or in a store, sometimes eating and drinking in front of people can be hard, all because the person is afraid of being humiliated or judged or rejected. There is also Health Anxiety which is where people constantly worry about their health, checking constantly for signs of an illness, obsessing on the internet in media at health information, asking for friends and family to assure you that you’re not sick, acting ill and worry a doctor missed something in a test. There is also Panic Disorder, this causes anxiety and panic regularly and at any time, so often with no clear reason; this can cause a panic attack which sees a person feel faint, sweat, feel nauseous, have a shortness of breath, tremble, shaking and choking sensation, also a dry mouth, churning stomach and feeling you’re not connected to your own body. Anxiety varies for everyone and panic attacks commonly last 5-20 minutes, however, some people report hour long attacks. 

Now to connect anxiety to sparks, I chose to focus on Existential Threat because I believe it came out at a time when people experienced a lot of anxiety, I certainly did and it created difficulties when getting ready to start university. I will be discussing both lyrics and the video. The video itself is created by animation genius, Cyriak who has made countless short animations for companies such as Krusha and E4. As a teen I found solace in the weird and wonderful animation community so I saw a few Cyriak videos, originally I wanted to be an animator like a few of my inspirations, but lockdown created many boundaries, from being unable to afford animation software that was professional grade, to me being anxious to leave my house. 

(One of the first frames of the video)

              

The first scene is a guy who looks very tense and on edge. Which links to the lyric “existential threat that I always feel”. This sets the scene for the character, he’s scared and his eyes are wide when thinking of the threat of the world because he can’t breathe and due to the nausea everything is dizzy and he wants to keep his grasp on reality. Another lyric from this verse is, “nowhere to escape to and nobody there to hear” builds this character further, he’s a guy who’s so anxious he has no one and nothing to aid in it. Linking this lyric to personal life, I used to find it impossible to control my anxiety and would mask my autism which created an anxiety monster so everywhere I’d go I would be afraid of having a panic attack because I’ve one had a few around people because I began hiding feelings and fears after a few awful experiences, one being a teacher being upset with me because I walked out a class and threatened a detention due to an anxiety episode. This is when I learnt to fake sick because the anxiety nearly drowned me in a whirlpool and I was still told “it’s a part of growing up”. Many years later, the anxiety is still here but I learnt to live with my monster, sometimes he growls at me because I have to speak in front of people, or I’m trying to eat my lunch with friends but I push him down to give the illusion I’m a confident person.

(Another scene from the video, I personally find this one really funny and understanding) 

In the second verse, it says how they feel it “walking down the street or right behind the wheel” which gives us the impression this character tries everything to escape his monster and like me has tried to live with it. Embarrassingly, there’s been times I’ve been anxious or overwhelmed and I can only cope with a dark room and no distractions so I can just zone out until it’s over; I only recently learnt this isn’t a solution and it’s just suppressing my feelings further. The way the character feels their anxiety everywhere is similar to the image above, the plane is the anxiety flying high in the sky and circling the character or characters they are relating to, it could also be the humans are the anxiety as humans pop out of no where and the plane is the only linear and scheduled object. Another line from the second verse is “Trying to escape the cloud that’s close enough to feel” this could link to how the monster feels like a real piece of the world, also many say anxiety feels like a cloud of smoke around them, this could also imply that the character can physically feel the anxiety choking them and poisoning them. I have many a times felt anxiety pressing me down and choking me, since I have ptsd from an awful few experiences with lovers I sometimes get triggers for anxiety episodes if I’m in a friends bed or sometimes in my own bed where I worry awful things will happen. Another lyric implies the threat “is never going away” this can be how many see anxiety, they believe it couldn’t disappear or assume they’re nothing without anxiety. For most my teen years, I knew my anxiety wouldn’t go away, it ruined most my teen years which I’m trying to get back, one instance I wouldn’t eat food when I went out growing up, I also would often find it scary to do things by myself as I rarely spoke, but I’m learning my voice as I get older and I find it less scary to do things, my favourite being going to markets as I sometimes see a regular seller who remembers me. 

(Another shot from the video, links to the next verse.) 

The next verse it mentions how the doctor tried to help our character, but it doesn’t work. In the UK (where I’m based) they try therapy before medication, currently I’m doing cbt because ptsd and also my generalised anxiety. Speaking on moments I won’t go into detail here is hard work because my mind is like a tape machine and I record everything and shelve it, even when I don’t want to. Sometimes I rewatch the same tapes over and over and it causes anxiety as I criticise everything about myself, such as times I’ve tried to be social with people I worry that my tone is off or that I’m saying too much or the person thinks I’m bored because I fidgeted with my hands or I’m saying too little and the person thinks I hate them. Small things which set me off and send me spiralling into an anxiety mess. But I can assure you, yes you the reader and you my future self; it gets better if you stop trying to obsess, it gets better if you just let you be you. 

In the next verse the doctor says the meds will “cure an existential type disease” which can look like the doctor does not want to discuss or understand the triggers for the anxiety the character is going through. Seeing as this song was released in 2020, it connected to many fans and listeners who were going through immense anxiety. Growing up I was often ignored or talked out of mentioning my anxiety by various people in my life so I understand the next line “doubt they will, doubt they will” as I’ve often wondered if therapy will help me because I’ve became so aware of my own issues. One to the main lyric, I feel many doctors and therapists don’t want to understand the psychology of a human and connect that anxiety can be triggered by something and would rather give out meds which are more expensive linking to ‘here’s the bill, here’s the bill” which links to how healthcare is pricy in America. In the UK most healthcare is free, asides when getting prescriptions, thanks to the NHS. Another line which connects to the pricy healthcare is “because insurance won’t” this can also relate in recent stories where I learnt healthcare insurance in the states where some healthcare insurance do not cover expensive procedures and leaving people either more sick or dead. I have empathy for those who are reading this going through that today or in their past, not that I’ve been though this but because I believe no one should be left footing an overpriced bill to survive. 

The next verse seems to reflect how someone feels in a panic attack. I feel the fast pacing of the vocal delivery relates to the fast pacing of thoughts. All through my life, especially as a teen and now as a young adult, I have been a huge over thinker to the degree I’ve had anxiety drowning me and being extremely difficult to do anything else. Growing up I was worried about everything because as a child I was openly aware of climate change and also was really into space so I learnt how the end of the world could happen. The first lyric which relates to this is “how should I react under this attack” which isn’t a question it is the character is trying not to overthink their thoughts which are attacking them. Whenever I feel the overthinking happen to me I tend to feel like my body is being hijacked and I can only sit and watch this happen. Another line from this verse which feels like it is connected to anxiety is how “when I’m standing up I feel I’m on my back”, this feels like the character feels like they’re out of their body this can be a very trippy experience. For those who haven’t felt they’re outside their own body it sometimes feels like a movie but every shot is blurry and you’re screaming at the screen and wanting to stop the scene playing out. For months after my mum died, my anxiety of leaving home and being alone was so bad I sometimes felt outside of myself because I was screaming inside myself “I’m tired, I’m bored, I’m angry and sad” and wanted to redo the film. Another line in this verse which can connect to anxiety is “my semi-automatic weapon ready to discharge”, this metaphor compares anxiety to a weapon which is partly in their control which feels very connected to how anxiety feels to many people, the way one feels both in and out of control of anxiety which isn’t unusual but to the non anxious it looks like we are fully out of control and sometimes we look insane. Most my teen years I struggled to go outside a lot until lockdown hit because lockdown woke me up and told me to enjoy my things myself and it got easier from there as I found the best way to face anxiety and being outside was to just close your eyes and breathe then do it. 

In the next verse, or the bridge in this song one of the only lines in this which I feel connects to anxiety is “The comfort starts to very quickly fade away”, this connects to how most people with anxiety can barely relax when they’re anxious (especially me) as sometimes the relaxing is overwhelmed by overthinking. I often get told to take breaks or have days off, but guess what today (it’s taken me ages to write this post for various things I’ll be discussing at the end) it is a ‘day off’ for me as I’ve worked a lot recently and I am still wanting to work on something useful. I was comforted for only an hour by myself playing a video game before an overwhelming feeling of dread that I’m doing nothing with my time, so we dragged ourselves back here (don’t worry I love writing this, just I despise not doing anything). Another line is “the crowds came near just to cheer”, I always tell people having anxiety is like a thousand pairs of eyes on you at once watching every small mistake and stutter you make, they also will be there to remind you late at night about each small fault. I feel this character understands my metaphor on anxiety as they feel crowded in by people who cheer and laugh at their failures and fears, this line I feel gets overlooked because most people don’t notice how it’s the character loosing themselves to their overthinking and anxious mind. 

(Another shot from the video)

I’m the last verse which was the first verse I heard from this song and it hit me this song was about anxiety, originally I connected it to covid anxiety because it was released in that dreadful year. But as I’ve learnt I have noticed it definitely was written earlier than this, maybe giving an eye view into Ron's mind, I will ask you as readers if you remember the hand sanitizer collection video Ron made during lockdown. I feel Ron's anxiety of illness or being sick was amplified during lockdown, however, he has had this fear since beginning the sparks journey or even earlier. The first line I feel relates to this anxiety is “did I wake you up, sorry if I did”, the apology even though it is probably not needed is very relatable to someone with anxiety as I find myself endlessly apologising for small things such as being in the way or for talking to someone. To my anxious readers who want some magic cure or assurance from the constant apologising I do not have a cure but I have sometimes found a friend who understands the unnecessary excess apologises are a part of you, much better. Another line which I feel links to anxiety is “Let me hide” which I feel was sung in a desperate way because the character is begging and pleading with the other character to let them not be alone with their thoughts, I’ve noticed a lot of anxious people need someone to be with as often we loose grip on reality and having a person with us in these moments helps us ground and stay in the real world. Another lyric is “until the danger passes, then I’ll go outside”, I feel this resonates to the characters possible acrophobia which is making them find it hard to leave home or be on their own. Growing up, as a teen, I found it super hard to leave my house without my mum because I wasn’t comfortable in talking or doing things for me, this fear I still get but in the last few years my friends and co workers have noticed I’ve gotten better at speaking and being outside and in a few days time I’m speaking up in promoting my art group in front of a crowd. The lyric I’m discussing relating to acrophobia definitely understands younger me because we both felt the world had danger and would wait until a certain day or time for it to pass. Another lyric is “when you fight the existential threat you will not win” this feels like the character is believing no one can defeat or cure the anxiety they feel because they’ve been left with it for so long and haven’t had anything or anyone help them through it. 

The last line in this song is “can’t you see the existential threat is on its way”, it’s a question the character asks the listener out of desperation and frustration as they are beginning to feel insane or crazy because no one is seeing or feeling what they feel. Growing up, I will admit I felt crazy at times because I would explain my anxious feelings and no one would understand or offer help they’d just sit and smile and tell me how I was a smart kid or say it doesn’t do me good asking for attention. Years later, I discovered I am autistic and also still have anxiety, I doubt it will go away, but I’ve given my anxiety a nest it can stay locked up in, sometimes the anxiety escapes said nest and punches and mutters 1000s of small thoughts and this creates overwhelm. The way this song ends with a question and makes one notice how the character has essentially gone mad with the overwhelm of overthinking is a sad ending because he was misunderstood or didn’t stop to notice people saw him. 

(Younger Jack, I started getting anxiety issues from about 5/6) 

When I look back at old photographs of me as a teen or kid, I feel awful for them because for most their life they’d speak up on issues they only just started resolving or noticing it was them being autistic or unhappy with being born female. In current day a lot of political leaders think they’ve got power to scare the youth in the trans community, however, if you think I’m silent or deaf to these issues you’re wrong as every day I’m with friends I fear I may be hurt or stalked because I’m a fun and openly queer person. Politics scare me because I used to struggle in silence with my mental health and recently began therapy and my therapist made me notice how the coping mechanisms I was taught or learnt myself aren’t the most useful. It’s very easy to ‘switch off’ social media or news to stop the overwhelming thoughts, but it’s just as easy to ‘turn it on’ again in the fear of something bad happening. 

(Me at around 11? I used to think 4 fingers up was cool because I wasn’t allowed to do the rockstar reverse peace signs)

At 11/12 I had some awful traumatic moment happen which left me with trust issues which I still have today and I avoid talking on it because every time I did growing up people think I ‘enjoyed’ it or believe my gender identity has something to do with it. I still have vivid memories of that happening and I often deflect these with my art, because for a period after this event I did not want to be alive or do anything. I used to play guitar and used to make dorky art and then overnight I hated everything. I wish I could go back and spend an hour with that version of me and assure them that I believed them and that I’d protect them. This version of me was so anxious after the trauma to leave home they’d fake being sick for school, or they’d do the opposite which was overindulge in school, this gave me the high grades people wanted me to have, but after 3 years of this mask of smart kid I gave in and found art much better. 

(Me at 15/16, apologies for it having a filter my friend at the time loved filters) 

At 15 I learnt about what transgender was and also nonbinary identities, after most my teenage years were filled with rage, confusion and sadness I finally had something that felt like me, unaware at this stage of the politics, but I was happy. I laugh sometimes thinking of how I used to dress in this period, I’d often wear polo shirts and hoodies to copy my cis male friends. I also for some reason saw grandpa caps as peak fashion, unfortunately I still do. At this time the school i went could see I was autistic and anxious because always so gifted and bright yet I was exhausted and sad at school because I didn’t want to be there, but I used to fake a grin and just do my work because I was so badly bullied. Many times was I threatened to be beaten up because I was trans and queer, many times guys in my class made fun of how my chosen name was Jack, many times girls would make a big deal out of me not being fully ready to be out. I was anxious of my family getting wind of my identity and getting wind of me being punched because I was queer. I was sometimes ashamed to be queer in this period because I wasn’t ready to face the real world. Sometimes I would hide myself in arcades or revision because I wanted out of my town, weirdly I haven’t left my home town asides on holidays. 

(Me at 16, just before college Jack)

At 16, I had a very toxic relationship with a cis guy, he was creepy and very awful and used to laugh at me for having friends, he once publicly felt up my shirt. Ever since then I have been self conscious of how I look to people and sometimes I overwhelm myself by overbinding because I feel people can ‘tell’ I’m trans. It hurts because the only person I don’t overwhelm myself for is my bestie who’ll be reading this and sending me a mental hug. I also at this time grew more afraid of trains because my boyfriend was long distance and anytime I need to use a train now I need to mentally prepare myself and be at the station super early. 

(I believe I was 17 here, the dog here is Toffee who got super close to me in her last year on earth)

At 17 I began hurting myself as I was frustrated my first steps into adulthood have been Covid and traumatic and also because at this time I had no friends in college, which was a change from my childhood as I had a crew. I also began dressing more masculine which I was happy about but I still felt a piece of me was missing, I’d often want to look like the rockstars I had crushes on but dysphoria would prevent this. I also began carrying a sketchbook and other random objects in my bag to cope with my thoughts, something I still do now. My favourite thing to carry is a pen and notebook in case I get overwhelmed and go mute. Sometimes I’ve had people be awful in these moments of overwhelm which makes me ashamed or overthink these moments and usually now if I’m overwhelmed I hide in a dark room on my own or with my friend because I don’t like too many people aware I’m having a moment 

(Present day me, well it’s from summer last year…close enough)

In present day I still deal with the 1000 thoughts every second when I’m anxious. I also began being aware that I’m trans masc nonbinary and embraced dressing for me and celebrated my quirks and autism. I also go to therapy for my anxious so I can learn how to combat my feelings. I also use the song (I deep dived on) to help people understand how anxiety can feel and to remind everyone I’m not crazy, I’m just a nervous bag who sometimes shuts down when things are too much. I also started trying to understand how to accommodate myself because sometimes it’s hard to do this. 

And this is where we end today’s post. Before I send you into the world, I will like to apologise for how long this blog took me to write, I have been busy as heck with running and organising tours and they went very well (as of publishing, they happened yesterday). I then got a migraine because I don’t do well when places are busy. To celebrate yesterday I got a tasty pistachio cream brownie and ate it with my dog (don’t worry she got her own dog biscuits). I’ve taken a while because I also got sparks tickets and doing my third year. I’ll be hopefully trying to make “short” posts here because I haven’t got a lot of time, or I’d be making longer less regular postings because I want to give the best quality content here. For a while I’ve been thinking of making videos where I discuss topics I discussed here or will discuss here, however, I will be waiting until university is finished to begin making anything like this. 

Anyways thanks for being SO patient with me, believe me I tried to write this all in one day but that turned into 2 weeks! I hope you enjoyed it regardless, as I’ve been Jack and you’ve read this posted. Please feel free to send me feedback because it always warms my heart reading that you enjoyed it or connected.

Adidos my friends until next time :)